TRIGGER WARNING: THIS ARTICLE DISCUSSES THEMES OF SXX, PARAPHILIA, DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND GENERAL MENTAL UNWELLNESS. IF THESE TOPICS ARE DISTRESSING FOR YOU, PLEASE ENJOY YOUR PICK FROM OUR OTHER ARTICLES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Dear Reader,
The first character that I can honestly say felt real when I wrote them would be Claire from Agony. Now, I don’t enjoy saying that because that is the book I am currently promoting… and that just feels off to me. But, if I’m being honest: she’s the one, and I’ll go over why in a bit. That being said, I can’t remember the first character I read that felt real… because that’s a lot of books, y’all, I ain’t goin back (lol)! But one that sticks out to me in recent memory is Kinsey, from the novel Spread Me by Sara Gailey. I spoke about that book before, but not really the main character in this way. So I will talk a bit about them and why they feel special in this way.
I’ll go with Kinsey from Spread Me first. Kinsey is a researcher in the desert working with several of her colleagues studying local algae (I think). What they find instead is a carcass that is obviously infested with something, and (for completely selfish reasons by Kinsey) she convinces everyone to take it inside the station so they can examine it. Kinsey is the first to recognize what the carcass has, and it recognizes her too.
See, Kinsey has a deep shame she has kept buried her entire life… a fetish, a sexual desire she cannot explain to others— and no ordinary person could accept it (or, in her position, even trust her) if they found out. Kinsey is attracted to viruses. She loves the idea of something growing inside of her, spreading through her body, taking over, and killing her. She has a black-and-white photo of a virus in its purest form that she pleasures herself to every night… and I’m not talking casually. I mean, this woman has full-body Os as she fantasizes about it! Now, that may seem strange, ridiculous, and a profoundly stupid thing to be attracted to… but the thing is, THAT’S real. People are attracted to things that don’t always make sense, and it’s not right (in my opinion) to judge people for that, especially if it hurts no one but themselves. People enjoy things that are not always sane or safe— hell, there are people out there with grape fantasies; and to the average person (including myself) that’s horrifying! But it’s not their fault for having a desire, an emotion they didn’t ask for, associated with something that doesn’t make sense. I think that Sara Gailey, the author of the novel, is brave. Writing a character with a dangerous attraction that makes no logical sense because it is real.
Now back to that carcass, it’s actually alive. It’s infested with a unique algae that consumes its target; it’s everything Kinsey has dreamt about her entire life. When she looks into its dead eyes, it stares back into her as they form an intense psychic connection that I, myself, have felt only once before. It’s powerful, scary, and arousing. Now, you might be thinking that Kinsey may be a threat to her entire team… she’s attracted to viruses and just had a “meet cute” with The Thing. But no, she is a professional; she is the hero of the story; and (despite her fetish) she is a normal person just like everyone else whose sole goal is to keep everyone safe. And that’s what really sells this character for me. She is a normal person. Sure, she is strange for her desire… but she is a professional and cares about the safety of others, despite wishing that thing in the next room would devour her slowly and sensually.
Now onto my character, Claire, from Agony (which is currently being edited for re-release). She has clinical depression, the 2nd worst version right next to bipolar. I suffer from just regular ol’ depression, nothing serious like Claire… But I felt hers had to be serious in order to get the point of the book across. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain: for reasons entirely out of her control, she will become utterly and completely depressed— sinking into a state of living death. She becomes bedridden; the world closes in around her, making everything dark, meaningless, and bad. There is no light in these moments, only a profound growing emptiness inside of her that threatens to consume her life. She won’t be sad about anything in particular (because she’s not actually sad), it’s just her brain attacking her because it can’t regulate the chemicals that keep her balanced properly. Being miserable is neither her choice nor her fault!
I wrote Claire because I had learned that some people just don’t understand what it means to be depressed or anxious. Some people are blessed never knowing the pain of existence, never knowing that making a phone call can be as difficult as pulling out one’s own tooth— or that sometimes people are just miserable, and nothing can make it better. I wrote Claire because I wanted her pain to be a message to those who don’t know these things; but also be comforting for people like me (and others) who live like this too. Claire has goals, she has dreams, friends, and loved ones. She is very athletic and loves parkour. She wants to go into business with her friends and create a fusion gym of physical and mental wellness to help people. She pushes others away when she’s having an episode to ensure those she loves aren’t burdened by her misery, and that they get to be happy. She is a living, breathing, wonderful person… and I’m proud to have written her.
Claire and Kinsey are two different characters; they both suffer in different ways and have entirely different lives… but to me they are real because they represent the side of humanity that the average person doesn’t see too often. Kinsey, in particular, has taught me to be brave in my writing (or rather, Sara has taught me to be brave!); to not be ashamed of myself; and to be bolder in my writing. If I hadn’t read Spread Me, my writing would be a little more tame because I wouldn’t know if it would be too much for the average reader; or if maybe I’m the problem. But her character Kinsey has taught me not to, and I hope she (and my character, Claire) can help others too.
Now that was a lot… but there’s a little more. I have been writing since I was a kid, but I started trying to write seriously since I was in high school. I am 33 (turning 34!) in September, and I’ve written thousands of pages and characters— But it took this long to make a character I can feel proud to say is real. A lot of my early characters felt fake to me; they were trying to appear real as they were based on real people and emotions… but I did not know them. So they could only be surface-level characters. They weren’t bad. They just weren’t great. I could say I was trying too hard, but honestly, I simply hadn’t lived enough myself to give them life.
Lee Child, the author of the Jack Reacher novels, said in his BBC course that it’s best to be older as a writer because it means you have experience in life (that’s paraphrasing, now. Not the actual quote). Basically, if you haven’t done anything: it could be difficult to write something and have it feel real. Now he was never a 6ft tall military man with muscles like pipebombs— But he was able to write Jack Reacher because of the people he met, the things he did, places he went… Living allowed him the experience to create an incredible character he makes a career off of. That is exactly why all my early characters haven’t been as good as Claire.
When you are writing, keep that in mind. This isn’t meant to discourage you if you haven’t done anything yet; or, like me, spent about 6 years trapped in a room doing nothing and wishing I could escape. It’s okay to be bad in the beginning; it’s okay to be young and write— but remember, to make a character feel real, you need to know what that is first!
Thinking & Inking,
Clay Tarlton Hensley