Let’s be real: the journey to publishing a book is less of a straight line and more of a scribble. It’s a wild mix of doubt, excitement, and a stubborn refusal to give up. For me, writing and publishing Agony was all that, but it was also something more personal. It was my way of wrestling with my own demons and, against all odds, creating something I’m genuinely proud of.
Where Stories Are Born: A Cocktail of Inspiration
The idea for Agony didn’t come from one single place. It was a cocktail of my life. My Hawaiian childhood filled me with a love for ghost stories. My lifelong battle with depression gave me the emotional core. And my love for atmospheric horror games like Silent Hill gave me a visual language. I remember thinking how the fog in that game didn’t feel scary to me—it felt like a relief. It hid the world, which sometimes felt like exactly what I needed. I wanted to capture that feeling: a place that is terrifying, yes, but also a starkly honest reflection of a troubled mind.
Writing as Escape, and Unexpected Therapy
Writing this book was my escape, and in a weird way, my therapy. On days when my own depression felt overwhelming, I’d open my laptop and step into Claire’s world. While she was fighting her way through a collapsing town, I was fighting my way through a bad brain day. We were in it together. Her strength—which often comes out as physical, get-stuff-done energy—was a quality I poured onto the page, almost as an aspiration for myself.
The Vulnerability Hangover
Then came the hard part: finishing the manuscript and actually putting it out there. Nobody tells you how vulnerable that feels. You’ve poured your heart onto the page, often drawing from your deepest pains, and then you have to hand it to strangers and say, Here, what do you think? The fear is real. Will they get it? Will they think I’m just being dramatic? Will they see the care I took to handle mental illness with respect, and not just as a cheap plot device?
Proof That Pain Can Fuel Art
But that fear was quieter than the need to share this story. Agony is my first book, and it will always be special to me. It’s proof that the things that hurt you don’t have to define you—they can fuel you. They can become your art.
This is just the beginning for me. I have more stories bubbling away, more characters whispering in my ear. To everyone who picks up Agony and joins Claire on her journey, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. It’s a little less scary knowing I’m not shouting into a void, but sharing a story with friends.